November 10, 2010
DISCLAIMER: MY FIRST BLOG.
Welcome to my blog. I feel it necessary to let every potential reader of my blog to know these things up front:
1. I am about 99 percent positive that I don’t care to hear about how much you hate me, don’t appreciate me, think my comedy sucks, I’m ugly or stupid, my hair is too long or short, I’m gay, etc.
2. I will never (or try really hard to not) talk shit about anyone specifically. Meaning, if you are like some of my “friends” and you shit on me on the internet, I will not respond. I don’t care. I don’t have time. And there are way too many “internet tough guys” who have totally awesome opinions for me to be concerned about. There’s no reason to try to change morons’ obsessions.
3. And please remember: You can always click off. You can always block this website. You can always navigate away from this site. You can always go fuck yourself. I have a tough job to do and I don’t need your negative bullshit in my life. So please, for the good of mankind, fuck off and die.
4. Also, I don’t have to use grammatically correct language because this is my website – not an English Thesis. I don’t have to be PC or people friendly (see rule 3 above).
Anyway, that’s my disclaimer and first blog. Take care. Stay funny. Stay Positive.
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Dec. 29, 2011
THE DOUCHE BAG
I used to work with this guy who was a complete and total douche bag. He was just a miserable prick. Nothing was ever good enough. He couldn’t see the beauty in anything he could only see the blemishes. He walked around like everything on this planet was specifically put here just to annoy him. He was a bully for those who would let him bully them and a coward to those who wouldn’t put up with his bullshit. He had no backbone. He was just a slimy, dirty jellyfish.
Anyway, one day, this tampon of a human had some real-life shit come his way and he had to reexamine how he treated people. He realized that if he didn’t lighten up a little and be a little bit nicer to people that his life could get turned upside down real quick. He discovered that he was no longer this demigod that he believed himself to be, but that sometimes when you’re too busy complaining about nothing, life comes along and bites you in the ass.
So, he lightened up a little. A little. But everyone was so used to him being such a gigantic pile of elephant shit that when his normal percentage of assholiness shrunk from 100 percent to 99 percent people actually said, “he’s not that big of a douche bag lately” – as if it were some kind of compliment. That’s not a compliment. That is a waste of elements.
I have heard more people call this guy a “douche bag” more than I’ve ever heard anybody called by any other name. I have heard less people refer to Hitler as a racist. The term “douche bag” is so fitting to his personality that I’m almost jealous that he has such a legacy. Coca-Cola and Nike have nothing on this guy as far as brand names go.
I often get frustrated when he comes up in conversation because I can’t properly express how much of a happiness vacuum he is. He’s just one of those people you have to be around to understand what I’m talking about. Even as I type this, I feel the hatred swelling inside me as if The Emperor, himself, were whispering evil-nothings in my ear. My hands are actually shaking and it’s hard to type because this asshole brings out some horrible repressed feelings I’ve tried hard to extinguish.
My time around him can be summed up horribly by the Barry Levinson movie “Sleepers,” starring Robert DeNiro, Jason Patric and Brad Pitt. For those of you who have not seen the flick – here it is – four boys from New York are screwing around one day and decide to play a prank on the local hot dog vendor. Things get out of hand and, tragically, a man loses his life. For their foolishness, they are sent to a reform school for a couple years where they are sexually tortured by a prison guard played by Kevin Bacon. When they get out of the institution they vow to never talk about what happened and to bury those horrible thoughts and feelings way down deep inside. That is what life is like after being around this asshole, except at least those lucky kids got to have sex with Kevin Bacon, and I just got covered in douchebagery.
The beautiful thing about this blog is that there are people reading this right now who hate me and wish death upon me, but they know the guy I’m talking about – and they hate him more than they hate me.
Notice, I didn’t tell you his name, where he worked, what he looks like or anything else that could identify him except that his grip on douchebagism is so firm that it would be like shaking hands with Andre The Giant. You would be overwhelmed. You would be crushed.
The best thing about this blog is that eventually he and his girlfriend are going to read this and they’ll know without a doubt who I’m talking about. Then they’ll have that “Wow, who do you think he’s talking about?” moment and then it will be awkward for everyone. And that is a special kind of justice.
So, to the douche bag I say, “GO FUCK YOURSELF.”
Happy Holidays.
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